World Golf News
Golf Jokes
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
Just in case they had a hole in one.
The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
The golf course
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!
Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?
Yes, they said it was a hole in Juan.
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.""Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of
the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Steve Wonder and Tiger Woods cross paths at a popular meeting place. Woods turns to Wonder and asks, "How's the singing career going?" Steve Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Steve Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says, "You play golf?"
Steve Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Tiger Woods asks, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Steve Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger Woods.
"Well," replies Steve Wonder, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hold and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger Woods then asks, "What's your handicap?"
Steve Wonder says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Tiger Woods, incredulous, says to Steve Wonder, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Steve Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less then $10,000 a hold."
Tiger Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"
Steve Wonder says, "Pick a night!"
Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?
Just in case they had a hole in one.
The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.
Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?
The golf course
What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?
Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!
Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?
Yes, they said it was a hole in Juan.
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.""Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."
"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of
the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Steve Wonder and Tiger Woods cross paths at a popular meeting place. Woods turns to Wonder and asks, "How's the singing career going?" Steve Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Steve Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says, "You play golf?"
Steve Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Tiger Woods asks, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Steve Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger Woods.
"Well," replies Steve Wonder, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hold and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger Woods then asks, "What's your handicap?"
Steve Wonder says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Tiger Woods, incredulous, says to Steve Wonder, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Steve Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less then $10,000 a hold."
Tiger Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"
Steve Wonder says, "Pick a night!"
